Blessed Be Your Name

So I was going to write about my Saturday but my bestie wrote a post up that is way more eloquent than anything that I could ever write. So check her post out here. We had an amazing time and it was really cool to share my "childhood" with my friends!

I'll be upfront about something, I LOVE kids! I have always wanted kids since as long as I can remember. My dream growing up was that I would marry right out of high school and we would have lots and lots of babies. Well, I didn't marry right out of high school. It was actually 4 years later that I met Kalan and we have been married for almost 2 1/2 years now.

When God brought Kalan to me, He sent me the perfect man for me! When we were engaged Kalan asked me if I wanted to adopt because he really wanted to adopt children. I have a real heart for orphans and I had never said anything to Kalan about wanting to adopt children! How cool is that? Kalan loves kids. He wants them just as badly as I do.

We have been trying to have children since shortly after Kalan and I got married. After a year of no pregnancy and my health seemed to deteriorate, we decided to see a doctor. All the tests came back normal and the doctor told me that nothing was wrong with me except being "pre-diabetic" (Which I think was a false "positive" because for that test you are supposed to fast for at least 4 hours and I had pancakes and syrup right before my doctor's appointment.) and everything with Kalan looked fine. Kalan and I both got the feeling that the doctor I was seeing was really blowing me off. So we have decided to see another doctor in Savannah but choosing one hasn't been easy and the insurance factor has also been a nightmare. So please pray for us!

Now back to the story, with us wanting children so badly and then not being able to for whatever reason and seeing friends get pregnant and have babies, it's been really hard! I remember when one of my friends told me she was pregnant and they had only been married for a short time, I was super excited for her! I knew that her and her husband would make AMAZING parents but what about my baby? I cried on and off for three days, not because she was pregnant but because I wasn't. As more friends get pregnant and have babies, it hurts more. There is no lack of interaction with babies and I love every single one of them.

I started asking God: Why me? Why am I the only one not having babies? Why do I have to suffer? Why did You put this desire for kids in me but are withholding them?

Recently, Kalan and I have decided that we still want children but we don't want to put our lives and plans on hold forever waiting for children to come along. We know that God will give us children when He is ready. In the meantime, we are seeking God's face for the next step in our journey as a couple. We are looking into me going back to school for certificates in Culinary and Pastry Arts. It is completely different from anything that I have ever wanted to do before but I have found this new passion for cooking and baking and I love sharing this with other people. Sorry, rabbit trail...

God has been teaching me a lot lately about being content where He has me. I know that I am not in a bad place, most adults would love to be where I am right now, but it isn't where I want to be. Yesterday, we sang the song "Blessed Be Your Name" in church. It really hit home for me. I supplied the lyrics below and I want to expound on how they touched me.

Blessed Be Your Name

            ~ Matt Redman

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful                                      
Where Your streams of abundance flow            
Blessed be Your name

(God has blessed Kalan and I with so much! I can never truly thank Him enough for everything that He has blessed us with!)

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place                      
Though I walk through the wilderness                
Blessed Be Your name

(Even when I feel completely and absolutely alone, God is still there and He is still to be praised!)

Every blessing You pour out                                
I'll turn back to praise

(When things are easy and good, it is easy to praise Him.)

When the darkness closes in, Lord                 

(When things aren't going so well, then it is much harder to praise Him but it is now even more important to praise Him!)

Still I will say    

                                                      

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering               

(I have suffered and I have grieved and I have forgotten the goodness of God. )

Though there's pain in the offering                

(It will hurt sometimes but we will come out on the other side more refined than before.)

Blessed be Your name    

                               

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away                              
You give and take away                              
My heart will choose to say                       
Lord, blessed be Your name

(God could give us a baby tomorrow and then take it away the next day. BUT HE IS STILL SOVEREIGN! I must CHOOSE to still praise and bless His name in the midst of tragedy!!!)

Not having children hurts, to be honest. But my God is a great and good God and I know that His timing is always perfect. I may be impatient and hate the not knowing but sometimes all He wants us to do is take a giant leap of faith!

James 1:2-8 ~ "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways."